questions to self

i can't help but be afraid of what's to come in the next month, because i've changed so much in the last two years, and you've been right by my side. i know that i'll be able to make the change without you, if i have to, but after telling you i don't want contact, i feel like i might be making myself believe that things are changing. finally. but maybe they'll go back to normal. normal being:

.arguing consistently

.beating each other up

.beating myself up over you

.being mad at myself because i can't do anything right

.being mad at you because you can't do anything right

.being belittled

.feeling hurt

maybe not, maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder. it's just funny how we roll, day to day, we can fight all day long but once it's over we're so fucking in love, talking about the future, talking about 'our house', talking about the puppy and the kids and god knows what and it's so scary for me to think about, but at the same time i find comfort in the fact that you can't do laundry and that i can't cook to save my life so maybe we do need each other a little, even after a long day... we'll see.