i get to kiss you baby just because i can

seeing you smile is like laying down in the middle of nowhere and seeing the stars shine down on the whole world. seeing you smile is like going out side and so sure you have frostbite and coming inside and the tingly feeling and drinking hot cocoa and watch the snow swirl. see you smile is like the first week of summer when you don't have to commit to anything and you are just happy to be free. seeing you smile is like getting an A in your hardest class. seeing you smile is easy. seeing you smile is hope that fairytales do exist. seeing you smile is the favourite part of any day.

nerves

tomorrow i get to tell you the last thing you wanna hear.

don't let me go

lying to myself has never got me anywhere worth going, so i'm confused as to why i still do.


i miss you. i love you and i don't ever want anyone else.

joy

1. algebra 3-4: ball

2. art 1-2: waldron

3. health: zerba

4. spanish 5-6: douglass

5. ta for dierker

6. chem: mayer

7. english: gonzales

don't care about the spots on my apples

spinning on the merry go round, my 'Eureka Moment' of the week was purely something so simple, but what so many people are completely and utterly afraid of.

something so little, something over-looked and shrugged off can bring you together with a group of, what else to call them, friends. people whom i've called acquaintances for a year or longer, shared a class with, or woke up at an ungodly hour to share a passion with. i thank someone else's Words for this, and i always do, use another persons' words to describe what is it i feel.

school is coming closer than i thought it really was, and this is the first year i'm not stoked. nope, not excited to take new classes, just a little curious about what awaits me, and even though every year i claim to dedicate myself to something or another this year i'll make it different, oh cliche, you.

i'm going to connect.

questions to self

i can't help but be afraid of what's to come in the next month, because i've changed so much in the last two years, and you've been right by my side. i know that i'll be able to make the change without you, if i have to, but after telling you i don't want contact, i feel like i might be making myself believe that things are changing. finally. but maybe they'll go back to normal. normal being:

.arguing consistently

.beating each other up

.beating myself up over you

.being mad at myself because i can't do anything right

.being mad at you because you can't do anything right

.being belittled

.feeling hurt

maybe not, maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder. it's just funny how we roll, day to day, we can fight all day long but once it's over we're so fucking in love, talking about the future, talking about 'our house', talking about the puppy and the kids and god knows what and it's so scary for me to think about, but at the same time i find comfort in the fact that you can't do laundry and that i can't cook to save my life so maybe we do need each other a little, even after a long day... we'll see.

i don't know how exciting i'm trying to be here, but let's give it a go:

up all night, not a wink of sleep
so far past one thousand sheep
realize uselessness, go upstairs
no more stars, how's this fair?
i wish i may i wish i might
have a little sleep tonight
no more mommy and no more dad?
a reoccuring dream i've had.
except one day this falls short
to my empty blog report;
now i live 'on my own'
questions arise, am i grown?
no i'm not ready to leave quite yet
she couldn't wait for this i bet
mommy dear i've tried so hard
be your daughter, but not unscarred
how did you forget things you do
i'm a living reminder of you.


so i left home for a little. i don't know who i'm writing to, because nobody reads this. my mom isn't talking to me after i come home, and my dad told me it's time that i start acting like i live on my own. he tells me not to contact my mom, but him instead now. she doesn't want anything to do with her daughter? i guess, do i remind you of the abuse, the torture, the anger, hate? i should, i can't believe i tolerated that. but what else is a child to do, your mommy is supposed to love you. she does, i tell myself. yes, i believe it. maybe she just shows it in the wrong way. but i'm not ready to grow up yet, i don't want to be in charge of myself, an adult, capable of making decisions.. i'm not ready, that's why they have limits on this kind of thing right? i don't want to leave. i don't want to be pushed away. so i'm up all night and i can't stop thinking about it... i can't get any sleep at all, and now the sun is risen.