i always say that in the end, people make all their choices on their own but sometimes, there are things you can make a choice about but not affect that issue.

what kind of family you have is one of those things that doesn't really change if you want it to. sorry, but we're different from you, and it's not my fault my family isn't like yours. so don't attack me with that, because trust me, i HATED it. i tried to change that. thanks for attacking the thing i'm the most vulnerable about. it makes me feel awesome.

i'm not a believer.

while everyone openly admits their trust issues like it's the new fall fashion, i didn't follow suit. i tell most people everything they want to know, and i like to think i'm super open. i trust people until they show themselves not to be trusted, and even then i'm known to give second chances. or more than seconds. fifths. sixths. 23rds. i'm not one to give up hope, on someone else.

so how come the bundles of hope and trust i give to other people, to trust them with my feelings, with my soul, with everything i have or ever had and lost, can come back to me? why can't i trust myself? why is it that i can't believe in myself to do something that matters to me, and i know matters to other people, but hardly nearly as much? i wonder who confides in me. do they think i'm just some loud mouth because i can't keep my own secrets? i'm not. i shut up about others. your secrets are the only ones i have to keep, so can i have them? i'll cherish them, i'll help, i try and i do my best i promise. maybe it's hard to trust someone like me, when i'm loud and opinionated and a strong believer in SELF. i'm not sure what that means but i'm not sure what most things i write about mean, so i guess i'm just doing what i normally do. 

why can't i believe in myself to believe in other people? the people i need, the people i want, how come i can't believe in myself to make something work? after all i've been through, after all you've been through, am i still not strong enough for this? i thought i was. i really thought i was. how come i can't believe anything i tell myself?

no, you know what? i'm scared of believing in anything i promise myself because i thought i was the only one i could trust all the way. being let down by others is a common thing, being let down by yourself, that's different. i can't do that to myself.

does persistance work with this?

we did it today, right? no major fights. but only a couple hours. and little fights. you getting mad at me because i'm irritated that you can just make things all better whenever you want, when i spent the last three days sick in bed, because of what happened. but maybe we can, god i hope tomorrow is a good day. or at least a good day for us.

right now,

you're far away and we haven't been around much. isn't weird how we're better when we're far apart? but not too far or else we get bitter again, we can't stay happy for however long whatever is. is it because we need Change? do we need to be constantly moving, constantly thinking, constantly worrying or thinking what-if? honestly, i'm not sure what to think of that, but i dont' think i mind. i mean, obviously sometimes i do but right now i'm okay with it. katy perry put it correctly;

"got a case of love bi-polar"

now tell me how true is that, the hate to love you, love to hate you. "like a broken record player", on and on and on... how about we just quote lyrics from now on, because it works better for me and the music speaks better, and i think we'd get into less fights if we knew what we were trying to say, or even what we were saying as we're saying it. how much do i write about you. how much do i think about you, do things that revolve around you, base how much of my life around you? my life, around you. but this is what i tell myself i live for everyday. what is there else to live, love, and be loved? love is the soul of every good thing, how can people not believe in it? i am frustruated with you, love. each and every day there is a time when i can ask Life, "why, why do you make me feel this way?" but as the hush sound puts it, "without the sour, the sweet wouldn't taste" and that's tattoo worthy.