i'm not a believer.

while everyone openly admits their trust issues like it's the new fall fashion, i didn't follow suit. i tell most people everything they want to know, and i like to think i'm super open. i trust people until they show themselves not to be trusted, and even then i'm known to give second chances. or more than seconds. fifths. sixths. 23rds. i'm not one to give up hope, on someone else.

so how come the bundles of hope and trust i give to other people, to trust them with my feelings, with my soul, with everything i have or ever had and lost, can come back to me? why can't i trust myself? why is it that i can't believe in myself to do something that matters to me, and i know matters to other people, but hardly nearly as much? i wonder who confides in me. do they think i'm just some loud mouth because i can't keep my own secrets? i'm not. i shut up about others. your secrets are the only ones i have to keep, so can i have them? i'll cherish them, i'll help, i try and i do my best i promise. maybe it's hard to trust someone like me, when i'm loud and opinionated and a strong believer in SELF. i'm not sure what that means but i'm not sure what most things i write about mean, so i guess i'm just doing what i normally do. 

why can't i believe in myself to believe in other people? the people i need, the people i want, how come i can't believe in myself to make something work? after all i've been through, after all you've been through, am i still not strong enough for this? i thought i was. i really thought i was. how come i can't believe anything i tell myself?

no, you know what? i'm scared of believing in anything i promise myself because i thought i was the only one i could trust all the way. being let down by others is a common thing, being let down by yourself, that's different. i can't do that to myself.