pulse

i don't understand what you want me to do about this, am i supposed to know why this is happening to me? because if i did i don't think i would've asked for help. i fucking hate this, everyday, this pounding, the constant pain, the agony when my vision goes black and i get lightheaded. i wouldn't have asked for fucking help if i knew what was going on and aspirin worked on it okay, mom? fuck you, i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it, don't fucking yell at me because i don't know how to fix things that happen for god knows why.

facepalm

i'm slamming my head against the doors and walls and windows in my mind, throwing tantrums and kicking ash shelves. why do i ask you to understand me when i don't even understand myself? do i lie to myself everyday, saying i know things about myself i honestly don't? i don't want to be trapped in a box, in my head, with no extremes and zombie emotions, i'm scared to death not to feel, because it's the only thing i'm good at. what else am i supposed to do for this, wait, wait, wait until all my thoughts can be chased away, wait, wait, wait until i go to bed with intentions of waking up, wait, wait, wait until i can have a little faith in myself, wait, wait, fucking wait, until i can forgive and forget about the things you did to me when i was little. wait. wait. wait.

She's been traveling the sidewalks for hours
Stopping as every moment of the truth wanders past
Window shopping for religion or something harder
Than the coins in her pocket

She is way too pretty for prime time New York
She gets the business every time she takes a walk
Amid the shark-smile porno scenes
But they can't ever touch her - their disappearing queen

She is...
Nowhere and everywhere
at the same time 

She's as shady as cheap sunglasses
But as perfect as this October Monday passes
To a draggin'-your-soul-around-town rhythm
Always in such a hurry, but never too fast
Playing chicken with delivery boys and tag with the subways
Searchin' alleys for proper company
She's jumping in and out of cracks
And she's got everything that you lack
Well she entered unnoticed
You will feel it when she leaves

She is...
Nowhere and everywhere
at the same time 

We belong...in gutters and glittering lobbies
We belong...to a street lamp flickering out
We belong...to absolutely nothing

Getting out of a taxi the other day
My heart fell out of my backpack and into a puddle
And so my chest was empty but it felt okay
I just fished out the pieces and walked away into...
We are
Nowhere and everywhere
You're feeling close but nothing's there

spiral

i make a list of things i need to accomplish, i compliment myself, i start to believe in myself and then something happens and it's all kind of like a joke, a constant headache, a looming menancing cloud over my head the entire day from the moment i roll unwillingly out of bed until the second i can close my head and relax, at least for what seems like a moment, where i don't have to worry about the real world, when i don't have to say think or do the right or wrong things. where i can't get told off for standing up for what i believe is right. i need an escape, i need a tunnel, i need an imagination, a new world, a beginning, not a middle or end. where is my beginning? not the beginning of the dark tunnel that i'm trying to get out of. this labrinith, this pulsing ache that makes me tired of everything and not even want to deal with myself. i wonder who else feels this way, am i your constant headache? i want a blanket, a rock, a pen and paper and my thoughts written out clearly on index cards where i can organize and complete them, organize and find them, do them, feel them, for real.

help

i need to. get out. run. far. fast. leave. start new, start clean. create my blank slate. turn over a new leaf. do well in school. prove i'm worth something. find people who make me smile all the time. spend more time with the ones i know. eat less. eat right. excersize. find happiness this winter. not cry so much. have fun. take no excuses. do things for myself. stand up for what i believe in. stand up for myself. believe in myself. write more papers. write more poetry. read more books. find people who want to do the same things as me. bake cookies. share them. share me. find people who want to share themselves with me. find people who believe in peace, no matter how hopeless. drink more bubble tea. smile more. laugh uncontrollably. get an A in chemistry because i can. hug people more often. let people know i love them. tell my dad i love him more. try harder. let go of my mom, she's not going to change. find a family, keep them. get a job. save money. move out. buy clothes. feel beautiful, because i am. think clearly. love myself.

we belong

in gutters and glittering lobies

to a streetlamp flickering out

to absolutely nothing

hate the feeling of self resentment, how counterproductive. disapprove of people with no control, but i'm right there with you. here comes winter, here comes lonely, surrounded by people.

you're feeling close but nothing's there.