spiral

i make a list of things i need to accomplish, i compliment myself, i start to believe in myself and then something happens and it's all kind of like a joke, a constant headache, a looming menancing cloud over my head the entire day from the moment i roll unwillingly out of bed until the second i can close my head and relax, at least for what seems like a moment, where i don't have to worry about the real world, when i don't have to say think or do the right or wrong things. where i can't get told off for standing up for what i believe is right. i need an escape, i need a tunnel, i need an imagination, a new world, a beginning, not a middle or end. where is my beginning? not the beginning of the dark tunnel that i'm trying to get out of. this labrinith, this pulsing ache that makes me tired of everything and not even want to deal with myself. i wonder who else feels this way, am i your constant headache? i want a blanket, a rock, a pen and paper and my thoughts written out clearly on index cards where i can organize and complete them, organize and find them, do them, feel them, for real.