don't care about the spots on my apples

spinning on the merry go round, my 'Eureka Moment' of the week was purely something so simple, but what so many people are completely and utterly afraid of.

something so little, something over-looked and shrugged off can bring you together with a group of, what else to call them, friends. people whom i've called acquaintances for a year or longer, shared a class with, or woke up at an ungodly hour to share a passion with. i thank someone else's Words for this, and i always do, use another persons' words to describe what is it i feel.

school is coming closer than i thought it really was, and this is the first year i'm not stoked. nope, not excited to take new classes, just a little curious about what awaits me, and even though every year i claim to dedicate myself to something or another this year i'll make it different, oh cliche, you.

i'm going to connect.

questions to self

i can't help but be afraid of what's to come in the next month, because i've changed so much in the last two years, and you've been right by my side. i know that i'll be able to make the change without you, if i have to, but after telling you i don't want contact, i feel like i might be making myself believe that things are changing. finally. but maybe they'll go back to normal. normal being:

.arguing consistently

.beating each other up

.beating myself up over you

.being mad at myself because i can't do anything right

.being mad at you because you can't do anything right

.being belittled

.feeling hurt

maybe not, maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder. it's just funny how we roll, day to day, we can fight all day long but once it's over we're so fucking in love, talking about the future, talking about 'our house', talking about the puppy and the kids and god knows what and it's so scary for me to think about, but at the same time i find comfort in the fact that you can't do laundry and that i can't cook to save my life so maybe we do need each other a little, even after a long day... we'll see.

i don't know how exciting i'm trying to be here, but let's give it a go:

up all night, not a wink of sleep
so far past one thousand sheep
realize uselessness, go upstairs
no more stars, how's this fair?
i wish i may i wish i might
have a little sleep tonight
no more mommy and no more dad?
a reoccuring dream i've had.
except one day this falls short
to my empty blog report;
now i live 'on my own'
questions arise, am i grown?
no i'm not ready to leave quite yet
she couldn't wait for this i bet
mommy dear i've tried so hard
be your daughter, but not unscarred
how did you forget things you do
i'm a living reminder of you.


so i left home for a little. i don't know who i'm writing to, because nobody reads this. my mom isn't talking to me after i come home, and my dad told me it's time that i start acting like i live on my own. he tells me not to contact my mom, but him instead now. she doesn't want anything to do with her daughter? i guess, do i remind you of the abuse, the torture, the anger, hate? i should, i can't believe i tolerated that. but what else is a child to do, your mommy is supposed to love you. she does, i tell myself. yes, i believe it. maybe she just shows it in the wrong way. but i'm not ready to grow up yet, i don't want to be in charge of myself, an adult, capable of making decisions.. i'm not ready, that's why they have limits on this kind of thing right? i don't want to leave. i don't want to be pushed away. so i'm up all night and i can't stop thinking about it... i can't get any sleep at all, and now the sun is risen.

i always say that in the end, people make all their choices on their own but sometimes, there are things you can make a choice about but not affect that issue.

what kind of family you have is one of those things that doesn't really change if you want it to. sorry, but we're different from you, and it's not my fault my family isn't like yours. so don't attack me with that, because trust me, i HATED it. i tried to change that. thanks for attacking the thing i'm the most vulnerable about. it makes me feel awesome.

i'm not a believer.

while everyone openly admits their trust issues like it's the new fall fashion, i didn't follow suit. i tell most people everything they want to know, and i like to think i'm super open. i trust people until they show themselves not to be trusted, and even then i'm known to give second chances. or more than seconds. fifths. sixths. 23rds. i'm not one to give up hope, on someone else.

so how come the bundles of hope and trust i give to other people, to trust them with my feelings, with my soul, with everything i have or ever had and lost, can come back to me? why can't i trust myself? why is it that i can't believe in myself to do something that matters to me, and i know matters to other people, but hardly nearly as much? i wonder who confides in me. do they think i'm just some loud mouth because i can't keep my own secrets? i'm not. i shut up about others. your secrets are the only ones i have to keep, so can i have them? i'll cherish them, i'll help, i try and i do my best i promise. maybe it's hard to trust someone like me, when i'm loud and opinionated and a strong believer in SELF. i'm not sure what that means but i'm not sure what most things i write about mean, so i guess i'm just doing what i normally do. 

why can't i believe in myself to believe in other people? the people i need, the people i want, how come i can't believe in myself to make something work? after all i've been through, after all you've been through, am i still not strong enough for this? i thought i was. i really thought i was. how come i can't believe anything i tell myself?

no, you know what? i'm scared of believing in anything i promise myself because i thought i was the only one i could trust all the way. being let down by others is a common thing, being let down by yourself, that's different. i can't do that to myself.

does persistance work with this?

we did it today, right? no major fights. but only a couple hours. and little fights. you getting mad at me because i'm irritated that you can just make things all better whenever you want, when i spent the last three days sick in bed, because of what happened. but maybe we can, god i hope tomorrow is a good day. or at least a good day for us.

right now,

you're far away and we haven't been around much. isn't weird how we're better when we're far apart? but not too far or else we get bitter again, we can't stay happy for however long whatever is. is it because we need Change? do we need to be constantly moving, constantly thinking, constantly worrying or thinking what-if? honestly, i'm not sure what to think of that, but i dont' think i mind. i mean, obviously sometimes i do but right now i'm okay with it. katy perry put it correctly;

"got a case of love bi-polar"

now tell me how true is that, the hate to love you, love to hate you. "like a broken record player", on and on and on... how about we just quote lyrics from now on, because it works better for me and the music speaks better, and i think we'd get into less fights if we knew what we were trying to say, or even what we were saying as we're saying it. how much do i write about you. how much do i think about you, do things that revolve around you, base how much of my life around you? my life, around you. but this is what i tell myself i live for everyday. what is there else to live, love, and be loved? love is the soul of every good thing, how can people not believe in it? i am frustruated with you, love. each and every day there is a time when i can ask Life, "why, why do you make me feel this way?" but as the hush sound puts it, "without the sour, the sweet wouldn't taste" and that's tattoo worthy.