i don't know how exciting i'm trying to be here, but let's give it a go:

up all night, not a wink of sleep
so far past one thousand sheep
realize uselessness, go upstairs
no more stars, how's this fair?
i wish i may i wish i might
have a little sleep tonight
no more mommy and no more dad?
a reoccuring dream i've had.
except one day this falls short
to my empty blog report;
now i live 'on my own'
questions arise, am i grown?
no i'm not ready to leave quite yet
she couldn't wait for this i bet
mommy dear i've tried so hard
be your daughter, but not unscarred
how did you forget things you do
i'm a living reminder of you.


so i left home for a little. i don't know who i'm writing to, because nobody reads this. my mom isn't talking to me after i come home, and my dad told me it's time that i start acting like i live on my own. he tells me not to contact my mom, but him instead now. she doesn't want anything to do with her daughter? i guess, do i remind you of the abuse, the torture, the anger, hate? i should, i can't believe i tolerated that. but what else is a child to do, your mommy is supposed to love you. she does, i tell myself. yes, i believe it. maybe she just shows it in the wrong way. but i'm not ready to grow up yet, i don't want to be in charge of myself, an adult, capable of making decisions.. i'm not ready, that's why they have limits on this kind of thing right? i don't want to leave. i don't want to be pushed away. so i'm up all night and i can't stop thinking about it... i can't get any sleep at all, and now the sun is risen.

i always say that in the end, people make all their choices on their own but sometimes, there are things you can make a choice about but not affect that issue.

what kind of family you have is one of those things that doesn't really change if you want it to. sorry, but we're different from you, and it's not my fault my family isn't like yours. so don't attack me with that, because trust me, i HATED it. i tried to change that. thanks for attacking the thing i'm the most vulnerable about. it makes me feel awesome.

i'm not a believer.

while everyone openly admits their trust issues like it's the new fall fashion, i didn't follow suit. i tell most people everything they want to know, and i like to think i'm super open. i trust people until they show themselves not to be trusted, and even then i'm known to give second chances. or more than seconds. fifths. sixths. 23rds. i'm not one to give up hope, on someone else.

so how come the bundles of hope and trust i give to other people, to trust them with my feelings, with my soul, with everything i have or ever had and lost, can come back to me? why can't i trust myself? why is it that i can't believe in myself to do something that matters to me, and i know matters to other people, but hardly nearly as much? i wonder who confides in me. do they think i'm just some loud mouth because i can't keep my own secrets? i'm not. i shut up about others. your secrets are the only ones i have to keep, so can i have them? i'll cherish them, i'll help, i try and i do my best i promise. maybe it's hard to trust someone like me, when i'm loud and opinionated and a strong believer in SELF. i'm not sure what that means but i'm not sure what most things i write about mean, so i guess i'm just doing what i normally do. 

why can't i believe in myself to believe in other people? the people i need, the people i want, how come i can't believe in myself to make something work? after all i've been through, after all you've been through, am i still not strong enough for this? i thought i was. i really thought i was. how come i can't believe anything i tell myself?

no, you know what? i'm scared of believing in anything i promise myself because i thought i was the only one i could trust all the way. being let down by others is a common thing, being let down by yourself, that's different. i can't do that to myself.

does persistance work with this?

we did it today, right? no major fights. but only a couple hours. and little fights. you getting mad at me because i'm irritated that you can just make things all better whenever you want, when i spent the last three days sick in bed, because of what happened. but maybe we can, god i hope tomorrow is a good day. or at least a good day for us.

right now,

you're far away and we haven't been around much. isn't weird how we're better when we're far apart? but not too far or else we get bitter again, we can't stay happy for however long whatever is. is it because we need Change? do we need to be constantly moving, constantly thinking, constantly worrying or thinking what-if? honestly, i'm not sure what to think of that, but i dont' think i mind. i mean, obviously sometimes i do but right now i'm okay with it. katy perry put it correctly;

"got a case of love bi-polar"

now tell me how true is that, the hate to love you, love to hate you. "like a broken record player", on and on and on... how about we just quote lyrics from now on, because it works better for me and the music speaks better, and i think we'd get into less fights if we knew what we were trying to say, or even what we were saying as we're saying it. how much do i write about you. how much do i think about you, do things that revolve around you, base how much of my life around you? my life, around you. but this is what i tell myself i live for everyday. what is there else to live, love, and be loved? love is the soul of every good thing, how can people not believe in it? i am frustruated with you, love. each and every day there is a time when i can ask Life, "why, why do you make me feel this way?" but as the hush sound puts it, "without the sour, the sweet wouldn't taste" and that's tattoo worthy.

dive

disappointment kind of floods me when people aren't willing to risk something to have an adventure. there's a lot of 'it depends' in this situation, but don't you want to see the world without your mom covering your eyes so you don't have to see what she doesn't want you to? aren't we supposed to be growing up, and making our own choices, and taking responsibility for them? it frustrates me when people around me think more about the consequences and less about if it's worth it. maybe this sounds really reckless, but i hate to see a chance not taken, especially if you aren't going to end up dead, a meth head, or hurting someone else. get over it! do something for yourself for once. 

rules are made so they can be broken,

if you risk nothing, you risk everything,

someone drew that line so you could cross it!

sometimes i wonder who turns out for the better, the people who don't stick around, or the people who don't let go. is there a better? i always catch myself questioning myself when i stumble upon somebody with a trait i don't have, but admire. hiding your feelings, not letting go of the past, straying away from change, or even things like considering a certain place home. someone told me i was good at hiding my feelings but i feel like i'm better at hiding things that cause my emotions to become what they are. we read about disassociation in journalism today and about how people block out things they don't want to remember. i can't decide if i do that or not, i tend to talk about the things that shape me in a lighter tone than i feel them. does everyone do that? i have so many questions about everyone, but it's hard to ask when you're afraid to offend someone or push someone away. i hear i do that by being direct. are my questions direct? are they too personal? i feel like life is too short to hide things.

and then i think too hard about all of this and how come i push people i want to be closer to away so often and it gives me a headache, or rather makes the constant pulsing in my head worse. someone should ask me 'my type' of questions, i'd answer.