Im sorry this is so hard.

We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think we are invincible because we are.

i'm sorry

and i realize if i said it from the moment i meant it until i died it wouldn't be enough for you. A lot of things i have to realize and that's one of them. i do mean it when i say you need to grow up. i'm sorry that hurts you but i really hope you'll thank me for it later. you call me just to try and make me mad, and get mad when you don't achieve that. i'm sorry you don't know what to do with your emotions/how to express them/how to control them. it's something that you need to learn, but you won't be able to with a closed mind.

tonight you can be sure that i'll be crying. i put on a strong face around you because i think that's what you need. you're surrounded by bad examples and i'm not the best but i want to be a good one. sometimes it happens when i'm brushing my teeth, and the salt from my tears makes vanilla mint bitter. sometimes i'm right on the brink of dreaming when i'm startled away by a wave of emotions. sometimes i'm sitting at my computer like this and wishing i could say the right things you wanted to hear in the right way. other times i have to leave the dinner table.

i'm sorry i don't know the right way to say the things you need to hear. not want, but need. the ones you need to grow and learn and know. but i don't know and i'm trying my best and it's not working out for us. i'm sorry to do this again and again and again and it's not okay to go around playing with your heart but i'm promise it's not only yours, i'm playing with mine too.

i still love you. i love you, i always will because you're important to me. i care about what happens to you. i want to see you happy. i want to lay in your arms and feel your body heat radiate from you chest but i can't keep playing with your heart and i don't want to and you don't want that either. i know you'll just say to me "but if you want this then why do you NOT want this?" or something like that because always it starts with 'but you want this'. and i do but i don't want to lead you on and keep being on and off if it's some mind trick i'm playing on myself. it's not fair to you.

you have reason to be angry. i'm angry at myself. i wish i knew the words to make you see what i'm saying, to have you look through my eyes and understand this how i do but i can't, so all i can do is hope you can try. you're mean when you're angry, like everyone else. but do unto others as you would have other do unto you. haven't you heard that before? this hurts me like it hurts you. i'm sorry i hit you, but i needed it. you controlled every aspect you could of me for too long. i'm sorry things got that way but they did. i'll sew on your pocket, i'll put aloe on your burns, i'll wish you sweet dreams and i'll always be here for you. 

the tightness in my throat hurts from keeping my salt water warriors inside. i wish you could understand. i'm sorry, i love you.

things are continuely working,
if they weren't, we couldn't be aware

san francisco diego tee weed

i could get lost down here, amidst everything i want to run away from, but the appeal is quite alluring.
i could write my book in the sand, and write messages in bottles to send to you, way across my world.
dragging around with fire in my hands.

fear of not getting out can be easily overcome by making sure all my exits are valid.
across a border across the sea in the middle, a little pea where i was born.
heavy air and a warm breeze vaccuums me right into where Astrid was
when she turned her first trick for some green

13
in and out of windows
in and out the wind blows
in and out my sin goes
in and out sweaters sewed
in and out needle flows
in and out i need to go

pulse

i don't understand what you want me to do about this, am i supposed to know why this is happening to me? because if i did i don't think i would've asked for help. i fucking hate this, everyday, this pounding, the constant pain, the agony when my vision goes black and i get lightheaded. i wouldn't have asked for fucking help if i knew what was going on and aspirin worked on it okay, mom? fuck you, i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it, don't fucking yell at me because i don't know how to fix things that happen for god knows why.

facepalm

i'm slamming my head against the doors and walls and windows in my mind, throwing tantrums and kicking ash shelves. why do i ask you to understand me when i don't even understand myself? do i lie to myself everyday, saying i know things about myself i honestly don't? i don't want to be trapped in a box, in my head, with no extremes and zombie emotions, i'm scared to death not to feel, because it's the only thing i'm good at. what else am i supposed to do for this, wait, wait, wait until all my thoughts can be chased away, wait, wait, wait until i go to bed with intentions of waking up, wait, wait, wait until i can have a little faith in myself, wait, wait, fucking wait, until i can forgive and forget about the things you did to me when i was little. wait. wait. wait.

She's been traveling the sidewalks for hours
Stopping as every moment of the truth wanders past
Window shopping for religion or something harder
Than the coins in her pocket

She is way too pretty for prime time New York
She gets the business every time she takes a walk
Amid the shark-smile porno scenes
But they can't ever touch her - their disappearing queen

She is...
Nowhere and everywhere
at the same time 

She's as shady as cheap sunglasses
But as perfect as this October Monday passes
To a draggin'-your-soul-around-town rhythm
Always in such a hurry, but never too fast
Playing chicken with delivery boys and tag with the subways
Searchin' alleys for proper company
She's jumping in and out of cracks
And she's got everything that you lack
Well she entered unnoticed
You will feel it when she leaves

She is...
Nowhere and everywhere
at the same time 

We belong...in gutters and glittering lobbies
We belong...to a street lamp flickering out
We belong...to absolutely nothing

Getting out of a taxi the other day
My heart fell out of my backpack and into a puddle
And so my chest was empty but it felt okay
I just fished out the pieces and walked away into...
We are
Nowhere and everywhere
You're feeling close but nothing's there

spiral

i make a list of things i need to accomplish, i compliment myself, i start to believe in myself and then something happens and it's all kind of like a joke, a constant headache, a looming menancing cloud over my head the entire day from the moment i roll unwillingly out of bed until the second i can close my head and relax, at least for what seems like a moment, where i don't have to worry about the real world, when i don't have to say think or do the right or wrong things. where i can't get told off for standing up for what i believe is right. i need an escape, i need a tunnel, i need an imagination, a new world, a beginning, not a middle or end. where is my beginning? not the beginning of the dark tunnel that i'm trying to get out of. this labrinith, this pulsing ache that makes me tired of everything and not even want to deal with myself. i wonder who else feels this way, am i your constant headache? i want a blanket, a rock, a pen and paper and my thoughts written out clearly on index cards where i can organize and complete them, organize and find them, do them, feel them, for real.

help

i need to. get out. run. far. fast. leave. start new, start clean. create my blank slate. turn over a new leaf. do well in school. prove i'm worth something. find people who make me smile all the time. spend more time with the ones i know. eat less. eat right. excersize. find happiness this winter. not cry so much. have fun. take no excuses. do things for myself. stand up for what i believe in. stand up for myself. believe in myself. write more papers. write more poetry. read more books. find people who want to do the same things as me. bake cookies. share them. share me. find people who want to share themselves with me. find people who believe in peace, no matter how hopeless. drink more bubble tea. smile more. laugh uncontrollably. get an A in chemistry because i can. hug people more often. let people know i love them. tell my dad i love him more. try harder. let go of my mom, she's not going to change. find a family, keep them. get a job. save money. move out. buy clothes. feel beautiful, because i am. think clearly. love myself.

we belong

in gutters and glittering lobies

to a streetlamp flickering out

to absolutely nothing

hate the feeling of self resentment, how counterproductive. disapprove of people with no control, but i'm right there with you. here comes winter, here comes lonely, surrounded by people.

you're feeling close but nothing's there.

FML

i get to kiss you baby just because i can

seeing you smile is like laying down in the middle of nowhere and seeing the stars shine down on the whole world. seeing you smile is like going out side and so sure you have frostbite and coming inside and the tingly feeling and drinking hot cocoa and watch the snow swirl. see you smile is like the first week of summer when you don't have to commit to anything and you are just happy to be free. seeing you smile is like getting an A in your hardest class. seeing you smile is easy. seeing you smile is hope that fairytales do exist. seeing you smile is the favourite part of any day.

nerves

tomorrow i get to tell you the last thing you wanna hear.

don't let me go

lying to myself has never got me anywhere worth going, so i'm confused as to why i still do.


i miss you. i love you and i don't ever want anyone else.

joy

1. algebra 3-4: ball

2. art 1-2: waldron

3. health: zerba

4. spanish 5-6: douglass

5. ta for dierker

6. chem: mayer

7. english: gonzales

don't care about the spots on my apples

spinning on the merry go round, my 'Eureka Moment' of the week was purely something so simple, but what so many people are completely and utterly afraid of.

something so little, something over-looked and shrugged off can bring you together with a group of, what else to call them, friends. people whom i've called acquaintances for a year or longer, shared a class with, or woke up at an ungodly hour to share a passion with. i thank someone else's Words for this, and i always do, use another persons' words to describe what is it i feel.

school is coming closer than i thought it really was, and this is the first year i'm not stoked. nope, not excited to take new classes, just a little curious about what awaits me, and even though every year i claim to dedicate myself to something or another this year i'll make it different, oh cliche, you.

i'm going to connect.

questions to self

i can't help but be afraid of what's to come in the next month, because i've changed so much in the last two years, and you've been right by my side. i know that i'll be able to make the change without you, if i have to, but after telling you i don't want contact, i feel like i might be making myself believe that things are changing. finally. but maybe they'll go back to normal. normal being:

.arguing consistently

.beating each other up

.beating myself up over you

.being mad at myself because i can't do anything right

.being mad at you because you can't do anything right

.being belittled

.feeling hurt

maybe not, maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder. it's just funny how we roll, day to day, we can fight all day long but once it's over we're so fucking in love, talking about the future, talking about 'our house', talking about the puppy and the kids and god knows what and it's so scary for me to think about, but at the same time i find comfort in the fact that you can't do laundry and that i can't cook to save my life so maybe we do need each other a little, even after a long day... we'll see.

i don't know how exciting i'm trying to be here, but let's give it a go:

up all night, not a wink of sleep
so far past one thousand sheep
realize uselessness, go upstairs
no more stars, how's this fair?
i wish i may i wish i might
have a little sleep tonight
no more mommy and no more dad?
a reoccuring dream i've had.
except one day this falls short
to my empty blog report;
now i live 'on my own'
questions arise, am i grown?
no i'm not ready to leave quite yet
she couldn't wait for this i bet
mommy dear i've tried so hard
be your daughter, but not unscarred
how did you forget things you do
i'm a living reminder of you.


so i left home for a little. i don't know who i'm writing to, because nobody reads this. my mom isn't talking to me after i come home, and my dad told me it's time that i start acting like i live on my own. he tells me not to contact my mom, but him instead now. she doesn't want anything to do with her daughter? i guess, do i remind you of the abuse, the torture, the anger, hate? i should, i can't believe i tolerated that. but what else is a child to do, your mommy is supposed to love you. she does, i tell myself. yes, i believe it. maybe she just shows it in the wrong way. but i'm not ready to grow up yet, i don't want to be in charge of myself, an adult, capable of making decisions.. i'm not ready, that's why they have limits on this kind of thing right? i don't want to leave. i don't want to be pushed away. so i'm up all night and i can't stop thinking about it... i can't get any sleep at all, and now the sun is risen.

i always say that in the end, people make all their choices on their own but sometimes, there are things you can make a choice about but not affect that issue.

what kind of family you have is one of those things that doesn't really change if you want it to. sorry, but we're different from you, and it's not my fault my family isn't like yours. so don't attack me with that, because trust me, i HATED it. i tried to change that. thanks for attacking the thing i'm the most vulnerable about. it makes me feel awesome.

i'm not a believer.

while everyone openly admits their trust issues like it's the new fall fashion, i didn't follow suit. i tell most people everything they want to know, and i like to think i'm super open. i trust people until they show themselves not to be trusted, and even then i'm known to give second chances. or more than seconds. fifths. sixths. 23rds. i'm not one to give up hope, on someone else.

so how come the bundles of hope and trust i give to other people, to trust them with my feelings, with my soul, with everything i have or ever had and lost, can come back to me? why can't i trust myself? why is it that i can't believe in myself to do something that matters to me, and i know matters to other people, but hardly nearly as much? i wonder who confides in me. do they think i'm just some loud mouth because i can't keep my own secrets? i'm not. i shut up about others. your secrets are the only ones i have to keep, so can i have them? i'll cherish them, i'll help, i try and i do my best i promise. maybe it's hard to trust someone like me, when i'm loud and opinionated and a strong believer in SELF. i'm not sure what that means but i'm not sure what most things i write about mean, so i guess i'm just doing what i normally do. 

why can't i believe in myself to believe in other people? the people i need, the people i want, how come i can't believe in myself to make something work? after all i've been through, after all you've been through, am i still not strong enough for this? i thought i was. i really thought i was. how come i can't believe anything i tell myself?

no, you know what? i'm scared of believing in anything i promise myself because i thought i was the only one i could trust all the way. being let down by others is a common thing, being let down by yourself, that's different. i can't do that to myself.

does persistance work with this?

we did it today, right? no major fights. but only a couple hours. and little fights. you getting mad at me because i'm irritated that you can just make things all better whenever you want, when i spent the last three days sick in bed, because of what happened. but maybe we can, god i hope tomorrow is a good day. or at least a good day for us.

right now,

you're far away and we haven't been around much. isn't weird how we're better when we're far apart? but not too far or else we get bitter again, we can't stay happy for however long whatever is. is it because we need Change? do we need to be constantly moving, constantly thinking, constantly worrying or thinking what-if? honestly, i'm not sure what to think of that, but i dont' think i mind. i mean, obviously sometimes i do but right now i'm okay with it. katy perry put it correctly;

"got a case of love bi-polar"

now tell me how true is that, the hate to love you, love to hate you. "like a broken record player", on and on and on... how about we just quote lyrics from now on, because it works better for me and the music speaks better, and i think we'd get into less fights if we knew what we were trying to say, or even what we were saying as we're saying it. how much do i write about you. how much do i think about you, do things that revolve around you, base how much of my life around you? my life, around you. but this is what i tell myself i live for everyday. what is there else to live, love, and be loved? love is the soul of every good thing, how can people not believe in it? i am frustruated with you, love. each and every day there is a time when i can ask Life, "why, why do you make me feel this way?" but as the hush sound puts it, "without the sour, the sweet wouldn't taste" and that's tattoo worthy.

dive

disappointment kind of floods me when people aren't willing to risk something to have an adventure. there's a lot of 'it depends' in this situation, but don't you want to see the world without your mom covering your eyes so you don't have to see what she doesn't want you to? aren't we supposed to be growing up, and making our own choices, and taking responsibility for them? it frustrates me when people around me think more about the consequences and less about if it's worth it. maybe this sounds really reckless, but i hate to see a chance not taken, especially if you aren't going to end up dead, a meth head, or hurting someone else. get over it! do something for yourself for once. 

rules are made so they can be broken,

if you risk nothing, you risk everything,

someone drew that line so you could cross it!

sometimes i wonder who turns out for the better, the people who don't stick around, or the people who don't let go. is there a better? i always catch myself questioning myself when i stumble upon somebody with a trait i don't have, but admire. hiding your feelings, not letting go of the past, straying away from change, or even things like considering a certain place home. someone told me i was good at hiding my feelings but i feel like i'm better at hiding things that cause my emotions to become what they are. we read about disassociation in journalism today and about how people block out things they don't want to remember. i can't decide if i do that or not, i tend to talk about the things that shape me in a lighter tone than i feel them. does everyone do that? i have so many questions about everyone, but it's hard to ask when you're afraid to offend someone or push someone away. i hear i do that by being direct. are my questions direct? are they too personal? i feel like life is too short to hide things.

and then i think too hard about all of this and how come i push people i want to be closer to away so often and it gives me a headache, or rather makes the constant pulsing in my head worse. someone should ask me 'my type' of questions, i'd answer.

followfollowfollow

sometimes i feel like a fish for being dragged along the current, but when i really think about it my mind goes 'now really, who the fuck cares?' because everything was started by someone doing something and then someone else doing it as well. how do you think babies were invented? anyways, converting to blogspot makes me uncertain, how often do i blog and how often does anything make sense to someone else besides me (even less than i blog).